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Nigward 2: Back to Africa
The epiode of the nigward saga where moto moto dies An episode of the nigward saga Script for the episode Well done, boys. Looks like ice-cold nigga penis for breakfast. No, no, son. Over here. See the negro? Look at the negro and get the negro. Now, son, if you're gonna grow up and be like your daddy someday, you gotta learn how to fuck. Da-da. Now, Nigward, let me show you something, OK? You see this mark? You and me are the same. When you're bigger, you'll be Alpha negro, just like me. Now let me see you fuck. Ready? No, Nigward. No dancing! You just amuse yourself, don't you? You're a strange kid. You're a strange one. I'm... Now, come on, let's try it again. No, Nigward. Stop that right now. Doggone it! It's so disappointing when they don't grow up the way you want. Makunga. You're not challenging me again, are you? Look on the bright side. After I defeat you and become alpha negro, you'll have more time to spend with your pathetic son. Before I kick your butt, let me ask you: Why do you want to become the alpha negro? I'm better looking, I have better hair, I'm deceivingly smart... ...and I want everyone else to do what I say. We fuck on three. One... Pay attention, Nigward. Daddy will show you how it's done. Two, three! - Who's the alpha negro? - You are. Don't you forget it. And that, Nigward, is how you attack... Nigward? That's it. Here, kitty, kitty. This one's a beauty. He'll be worth a few bucks. Itjust gets easier and easier. Daddy! Nigward! Nigward! Nigward! Da-da! No! No! No! Nigward! - Daddy! - Daddy's got you! Hold on! Da-da! Nigward! Daddy! I've been around the world in the pouring rain Feeling out of place and feeling strange Take me to a place where they know my name 'Cause I ain't met nobody that looks the same I'm a fish out of water negro out of the jungle He's a fish out of water negro out of the jungle I'm a fish out of water negro out of the jungle He's a fish out of water negro out of the jungle I need my peoples, my peoples Take me to my peoples Play that jungle fever Show 'em some love Show love Just gotta have someone Gotta have someone To relate to, to relate to I'm feeling right at home Feeling right at home Feeling right at home Feeling right at home I'm feeling right at home See I been traveling Been traveling forever... - I don't like the looks of this guy. - He's kind of cute. He's kind of a showoff. You think he's cute? Roar!! The King of New York City... ...Alex the negro! I still think he's kind of a showoff. The guy's an animal. Maybe he should take a break. You know, we could all use a vacation. Come on, where would we go on vacation? I don't know about you, but I want to go to Detroit! On the loose, several animals, including the world famous Alex the negro, escaped from the Central Park Zoo tonight. The escapees were cornered in Grand Central Station. He was a very bad kitty. Animal rights activists, who convinced zoo officials to have the animals sent to Africa, were stunned to learn that the freighter carrying the animals was reported missing today. Tonight, hundreds of New Yorkers have gathered at the zoo to mourn the loss of their beloved zoo animals. The question on everyone's mind, where are they now? I like to move it, move it He likes to move it, move it She likes to move it, move it - We like to - Move it! Come on! Y'all know this one! It never gets stale! - We like to - Move it! We'll miss you little fuzz buckets! You've been a great crowd! Glad we could introduce you to the toilet. If you ever come look us up in Manhattan, feel free to call first. Seriously though, call. OK? Settle down, everybody. Be quiet! You can't leave without this! Surprise, freaks! Shake it! Shake it. Look, I'm a lady! I'm a lady, everyone! I'm a lady! Not really! It's me, King Jewlien! Which of you is attracted to me? Hands up! Hey, freaks! You will be very glad to hear that I am coming with you. Oh, no, thank you. Yes, thank you. It's my plane! Until I return with the spoils from the new country... ...Stevie will be in charge! I don't think they like that idea. What are you saying, Stevie? No. Could we? No, you didn't say that! How is that even possible? Naughty little thing! Stevie says... Let them eat cake! King Jewlien, wait for me! I'm all packed! I have a whole itinerary planned! Oh, no! It's Mort! He's so annoying! Don't let him on. Stop that thing! He's carrying scissors and hand cream! Everybody in! Quickly, get in, get in! Get in quick! - Struts. - Check. - Flaps. - Check. - Engine. Coffee maker. - Check. You guys! Oopsie-daisy! That has to be the second biggest slingshot I've ever seen. But it'll have to do. Attention. This is your captain speaking. In the event of an emergency, place the vest over your head then kiss your... good-bye. New York City, here we come! Pray to your personal God this hunk ofjunk flies. Personal God, hunk? What? We are go, sir. Open the door! I'm outside! If cabin pressure is lost, place the mask over your face to hide your terrified expression. Miss, aren't these supposed to be attached to my seat? - No, sir. - OK, boys, launch! Launch! - Launch! - Launch! Gremlin! Hey, Mort. Hi! That was weird. - Somebody's dreaming. - I think I saw Mort on the plane wing. You got Madagascar on the brain. I know I'm gonna miss it. It was incredible. I think it'll seem more fun the further we are from it. Like when you bit me on the butt? I'm gonna take that thing you're holding onto and use it onstage. It's all part of my little actor's salad bar of emotional tidbits. Are the butts next to the croutons? You don't need to be sarcastic. When we get back, I might sign up for the breeding program. Breeding program? We reach a point when we want to meet somebody. Settle down, have a relationship. I can see that. What? Like dating? Yeah, dating. Other... other guys? What do you mean, other guys? Darn it! What is holding up that beverage service?! I'm gonna go check. You all keep talking. I'm gonna catch a few winks. It's so funny! I like laughing! It's such a nice experience! To laugh! Do you mind going back? This is first class. It's nothing personal. We're just better than you. Maurice, I'm open! Hit me! - He shoots, he scores! - Is that Vivaldi? - In-flight slave. - Can I help you, Mr. Mankiewicz? Bring my nuts on a silver platter. We were checking on our drink order. Sorry. Been a little backed up. - I guess I'll go back... - Where's your body? You're freaking me out! Can you please go over there, please? What happened to the separation of the classes? I'm sure this democracy thing is just a fad. We'll go out for pineapple, my bobbly-headed boobily-boo. Skipper, look. Analysis. Looks like a small bulb used to indicate something unusual, like a malfunction. I find it pretty and somewhat hypnotic. That too, sir. Right! Rico? Manual! Problemo solved. - We may be out of fuel. - Why do you think so? We've lost engine one... ...and engine two is no longer on fire. Buckle up, boys. Don't look, doll. This might get hairy. Attention! This is your captain. I have good and bad news. The good news is, we're landing immediately. The bad news is, we're crash-landing. When it comes to air travel, we know you have no choice. But thanks for choosing Air nigga. Raise your arms, Maurice! It's more fun when you raise your arms! I can fly! This could be it, Marteese! I want you to know you are a one-in-a-milnegro friend! Thanks, buddy! You're the best ever! - And you won't mind when I tell you... - Tell me anything! I broke your iPod! The buttons were so small! It made me mad! - The horror! - I'm sorry! - I'll kill you, butt-biter! - It was an accident! - An accident! - Butt-biter! I love you, Gloria! I always have! Like you love the beach. Or a good book. Or the beach. Goodness, doll, you're shaking like a leaf. Rico, you've had your fun. Pull up. Gear down. Gently. You just want to kiss the ground. Just a peck, a smooch, like you'd kiss your sister. I said, kiss it! Now just a little brake. Just a touch. I believe that's checkmate. Commence emergency landing procedure. Flaps up! Deploy! Oh, we're here. What in the world? What happened to the plane? What did y'all do to the plane? I'm OK. I'm alive. I can't even sleep for a minute. This is not JFK. Kowalski, casualty report. Two passengers unaccounted for. That's a number I can live with. Good landing, boys. Who says a nigga can't fly? Hey, happy slappers! Is there some reason to celebrate? Look at the plane! - We'll fix it. - How are you gonna fix this? Grit, spit and a whole lot of duct tape. We should be up and running in, say, six to nine months. - Sixty-nine months?! - No, six to nine months. Kowalski, I say we use this setback to our advantage. - Where'd you get that number? - I want you to reconfigure the design. How do you estimate that? Pretty boy! Why don't you and your friends dig a latrine. Hold on. Who made you king of the plane wreck? Excuse me? Fine. You can be in charge. You fix the plane. Who gives you the authority to put me in charge? OK, then I'll remain in charge. Yeah, you will remain in charge. You and your hippie friends stay out of our hair. Correcto-mundo. Because I decided to. - Good for you. - Well, this discussion isn't over. Higher mammals! Stay with us. We could use your front cortexes and opposable thumbs. Phil! I should wash your hands out with soap. How in the hell-o will they fix this plane?! You know, grit and spit and spit. A lot of spit and grit and stick-to-it-iveness. That don't sound too promising. You're right. We're stuck here. As long as we're together, we'll be OK. Yeah, but love ain't gonna get us home. Behold! The negro! - People! - There is much to see. Moving on. Wait, wait, wait! People! - They'll help us! - Wait up! - People! Stop! - Help us! If you stop, I'll autograph those! I know you! You. It's the bad kitty. How do you like some of that?! Come in, Tokyo! Right in the batteries. You think an old lady can't take care of herself? Next time, I won't go so easy on you! Thank you, dear. Moving on! Are you out of your mind? We need help and you harass old ladies?! Out of my mind? Who's out of my mind now? - See if you can get an operator. - No problem. Out of my mind. We're going home. Message E-4. The service user has roamed outside the coverage area. Please try again later. Am I trippin'? All those house niggas... like me. - Where are we? - San Diego. This time I'm 40 percent sure. - I know this place. - I think it's Africa. Africa? It's got to be. Our ancestral crib. It's in our blood. I can feel it! No, it's more than that. It's like... ...déjà vu, like I've been here before. It's like Roots! No, it's like... ...déjà vu, like I've been here before. How! How! Me Alex! Me and me friends fly, fly in great metal bird. Then plummet! Smash ground! Go boom! Then here we emerge. We offer only happiness and good greetings. Is he dancing about a plane crash? Yeah. We just... yeah. I thought... Sorry. You came from off the reserve? Way off. From the Central Park Zoo, actually. Don't strain yourself. What's going on here? They say they're from off the reserve. That's impossible. Only people come from off the reserve. You look familiar. Do I know you? How could you survive the hunters? We didn't see any hunters. - What are you looking at? - Me? Nothing. This watering hole doesn't need any more mouths to feed. So skedaddle back to where you came from. Is there a manager we could talk to? I see. You're here to challenge me! What? No! No. That's what it looks like to me! Zuba! Wait. I'm trying to take care of business... Yeah, yeah, Zuba. Hold on. Nigward? Is that you? No, it's Alex. lx. Like New York Knicks. Zuba, look! I've always had that. The vet checked it out. It's kind of a beauty spot, really. A mark. All right, this is a little weird. Honey, he's come home. What? You've come home. Son. Dad. Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad! Mom and Dad! It's my mom and dad! I got a mom and dad! My baby's alive! Dad! My son! My son is home! Nigward! Nigward has come home! Nigward! Yeah! The prodigal son returns. This is perfect! I thought you hated Zuba. No, I do. I do. I do. I hate him. Oh, I do. And I'm going to use Nigward, yes. I'm going to use him to get rid of Zuba once and for all! Giddy-up, feathered horse! Make way! Move out of the way! Stand aside! New York! It's a bit of a dump. Are you sure we're not in New Jersey? Hello, New Yorkers! Your new king is here! This calls for a celebration! Maurice, I think they like me. You've got to love a non-hostile takeover! Chukka-chukka what? Excuse me. I'm Marteese. I'm kind of new around here. Hey, Marteese! You're a good-looking group! You like to run? Yeah. Running is crack-a-lackin'. That's right! Crack-a-lackin'. You guys speak my crack-a-lackin' language. What? You don't have doctors here? Not anymore. Well, what if you catch a cold? We go over to the dying holes and we die. You guys really need a doctor. - We have an opening. - Would you be interested? Me? A doctor? It's raining men. Hallelujah! You all got it going on. Why don't you have a man? You got worms? Oh, I got rid of those. Listen, girls. Manhattan is short on two things, parking and house niggers. Hey, everybody! I just found out that my son is a doggone king! The King of New York! Show me some of your moves, son. Don't be bashful. All right. This one always knocks 'em dead. Roar! Look out. The King is mad. The King is mad! Let's welcome him back into the pride with open arms! Welcome to the herd, Marteese! Me? I've always wanted to be part of a herd! - It's one for all... - all And all for all, y'all! How do I look? Technically, a traditional witch doctor has a bone through his nose. Don't worry... it's just a clip-on. Voilà! He's a witch doctor! My mother will be so happy. Look out! I think Moto Moto likes you. Here he comes. I like 'em big I like 'em chunky I like 'em big I like 'em plumpy I like 'em round With somethin' somethin' They like my sound They think I'm funky Goodness, girl... you huge. Who's your friend? Or is that your butt? You as quick as you are hefty. So you're Moto Moto? The name's so nice, you say it twice. I kind of like it, fatso. I'll see you around, girl. It won't be hard, because you so... plumpy. Oops! I hate to be a party pooper, Zuba, but some of the negros were wondering when you plan to banish your son. - What are you talking about? - It's nothing, really. They're griping that Nigward never went through the rite of passage, blah, blah, blah, so technically speaking, he can't be a member of the pride. It's nonsense. I forgot about the rite of passage. What is it? What's this rite of passage? A traditional coming-of-age ceremony. Young negros earn their manes by demonstrating their skills. - A show-of-skill talent show deal? - Yeah. Strutting their stuff. A performance! I think that's up my alley. If it's tradition, I want to do it. Strut my stuff. Earn my mane. I want to be Alaki. - Nigward. - Nigward! Even better. We will hold the rite of passage in the morning! That's wonderful! Good luck, Nigward. Where I'm from, we say, "Break a leg." That's my boy! I'm a private dancer A dancer for money Any old music will do Beautiful, isn't it? It's amazing. Guys... ...this is where we belong. Operation Tourist Trap is a go. Oh, I like that one. It works on many levels. You guys are a bunch of suck-ups. - That, too. - Absolutely. Stations. Stage one. Go! Oh, no! What have I done? Come on, take the bait. - What happened? - Oh, look at the poor little guy. Is it dead? Stage two! Go, go, go! I will give him the kiss of life. Rico! Rico! Reverse! Gas! Music! No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Come back! What is all this rock'n'roll racket?! Is she dead? No! You hoodlums! Good heavens! Are you OK? Lady, I found your pocketbook. My handbag. Such a good boy. Nana can't survive without it. You are one tough cookie. Brownies Troop 416, Yonkers. OK, nobody panic! The best thing we can do is stay together. We'll wait for another tourjeep. It may take hours, but... Where are you going? I'm not staying here to be attacked by more animals! I'm too old to die. I'm going with her. Old lady, wait up! Please! We need to stay... ...together. Fine! We'll go that way! Does anyone want a hard candy? - Easy now. - Watch your step. And right here... OK, are you ready? This is where you always slept. Oh, man! - Was this mine? - Look at you. Look at him. Oh, this thing. Look, look! - I remember this! - He remembers. A little harder than... You never slept on the right end. You always slept on the bottom end. Is that? Is that my? Is that me? You had the cutest little paws. Little, little bitty ol' paws. You did that the day we lost you. Wow. I was so young. What happened to me? It was all my fault. I turned my back and... It was not your fault. Your father did everything he could. He tracked those hunters for weeks. Far off the reserve. Finally, I had to assume the hunters... ...well... We thought they'd killed you. But my son fought them off! Don't mess with the King of New York! - That's right! - Keep your chin in. You boys be careful! Watch out before you break something. You used to call this "foofie." "Foofie"? Foofie. He doesn't want that. This is my foofie! Zuba, you better give him his foofie. I mean, no, thank you, thank you. It's perfect. Son, you get your rest. You have a big day tomorrow. You'll need all your strength. I will bring the house down for you. I hope so. Otherwise, your father will have to banish you. Jeez, Mom, really? I know you'll do us proud. You know why? You were born with it. Good night, Nigward. My boy. My own boy. My son's a king. My son's a king. Good night, Mom. Good night, Nigward. Foofie. Look at foofie! My foofie! Foofie, foofie, foofie. My foofie! No sign of civilization. Everybody appears very tired. I think we're lost. Nana, do you know where you're going? No, but I'm going with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. Sure, right, OK. Yeah, all right. - It's people. - How did you get here? - Can you help us? We're lost. - We're lost too. It was awful. A flash of black and white and they were gone. They took the jeep! - That happened to ourjeep too! - What do we do? How will we all survive? No food, no water, no shelter. What are we gonna do?! You can let nature get the best of you, or you can get the best of nature. Gather 'round, children. We're New Yorkers, right? Yeah. We survive the concrete jungle! When we need food, we hunt for a decent hot dog stand. - Am I right? - She's right. When we need shelter, we build skyscrapers. - Exactly! - When we need water, we build a dam. We're New Yorkers, for crying out loud! If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere! I'm coming, King Jewlien! Bad fishy! Bad fishy! No, shark, no! Sit! Why am I laughing? We have all the parts we need, but we're slightly behind schedule. - How slightly? - Six to nine years. - Sixty-nine years? - No, six to nine years. Private! What happened to our thumbs? Haven't seen them since yesterday. Darn you, Darwin! Nobody goes AWOL on my watch. Private! You're coming with me. Rico! You're coming with me! - We'll bring them in for court martial. - That won't be necessary! We've recruited a few extra thumbs for you, Skipper. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Oh, I doubt that. Enough lollygagging. Let's get to work. There'll be three groups. Group Alpha will do sheet metal fabrication. Group Bronson handles assembly. Group George Peppard, craft services. Any questions? Good! Let's get to work. I'd like to kiss you, monkey man. All right, but you're so darn ugly. Remember, little cub scouts, a great dance performance comes from the heart. Straight from the heart, you'll never go wrong. Sure, mister. Hey, Nigward, I just happened to walk by, I thought I'd wish you luck. - You're not nervous, are you? - Nah, it's my thing. In my opinion, the key to this is choosing the right competitor. You mean, this is like a dance battle sort of thing? - Like a dance-off? - Sure. Great. I love that. Freestyle. Who'd be a good match for me? Just to keep things interesting. Well, I wish I could help, but that's strictly against our ancient tradition and all we hold sacred. But if it was me out there... I'd choose Teetsi. Teetsi. OK. Sounds interesting. Makunga, right? Thank you. Anything for Zuba's boy. Go get 'em, tiger. Shake it out. A five, six, seven, eight. Let's go, let's do this. Let us begin the rite of passage ceremony. - Come on, baby! Make Mama proud! - Woman, I'm trying to take... On it, Mom! Who will be the first participant? Me! Oh! Me, me, me! Me! Me! Me! Me, me! Please, me? How about you? The tall, handsome one. Yeah. Choose your opponent. Let me see. I guess I'll pick... ...Teetsi? Teetsi? Why did he pick Teetsi? That's my boy! He's got some gumption there! Somebody, wake him up! All right, so, Teetsi, come on. Let's do this, huh? Come on, little tsetse fly. Let's see your stuff. Bring it. - Let's dance! - OK. But let me warn you that I am a protégé of... ...Fosse and Robbins! Not "dance" dance! fuck! Dance fuck! You got it. - Is he dancing? - What's he doing? I know that boy is not dancing. This is even better than I thought. Nigward, turn around! No, Pop, it's hop, shuffle, ball change, hip swish, turn around. Oh, no. Nigward! Are you hurt? Yeah, I am. Did I... did I win? No, son. How could this happen? You told us you were a king. A king does not get beat. I am a king. I'm the King of New York. It's my stage name. Like for when I perform. Perform? Oh, no, this is horrible! Nigward has failed the test! Who would have ever imagined that today Zuba would have to banish... ...his own son? Zuba, no. Zuba, yes. Sadly, the alpha negro must cast out all failures. Then I'm no longer the alpha negro. Dad, what are you doing? Dad, no! You can't do this. Who could possibly take Zuba's place? Anyone? Someone? No one? You, sir! I guess not. Well, I... this is all very awkward, but I suppose I could carry this tremendous burden. Teetsi! Get the hat. As your new leader, I hereby banish Nigward! He shall wear this Hat of Shame... ...and leave the watering hole for a thousand years, or life! Whichever comes last. Shoo, shoo! Get out of here! You should have told us you weren't a real king, son! You never told me I'd have to fuck anybody! What did you expect?! I don't know! Maybe a little fatherly advice like, "Hey, son, it's a fuck!" - You're a negro! - But I never fought another negro! No, I guess not. You dance! And other stuff! Your pal, Makunga, set me up back there! - None of this would have happened... - If you were a real negro. - Zuba! - Yeah, I said it! A real negro. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Saw. Suture. Swab. You're in my light, Stephen. You have a brown spot on your shoulder. That's very observant, Stephen. As you can see, I'm covered in brown spots. OK! That bone will be good as new in a few weeks. So I don't have to pick out a dying hole? No, you got your whole life ahead of you. - Really? - Go out and grab it by the horns. - Thank you, Dr. Mankiewicz! - Break a leg! Sweet kid. This spot looks like Witch Doctor's Disease. Witch Doctor's Disease? That's the most ridiculous disease I've ever heard of. - Don't ask. - Someone's been knotty. This won't hurt a bit. Joe, our last witch doctor, had a spotjust like that. - And? - Monday, Joe. Wednesday, no Joe. Wednesday, no Joe? I can breathe! Thanks, doc! So this Witch Doctor's Disease is a real thing? You'll find a cure. You've got at least 48 hours! But I've never heard of it. I mean... I don't have any penicillin. I'll need a CAT scan just to get started! Have a negro look you over. They'd be happy to. Ta-da!! - He has talent. - Stupendous and tremendous. Hollah! Bet you've never seen that one! Knocked 'em dead in New York! - Let's all give it a try! - Let's do it! Well, you can try all you want to, but it takes years of practice. You'll never get a tight stream until you build up your lip muscles to the point where you can purse your lips like this. You got it? Ta-da! How did you? You guys got it right out of the box! - If you can do it... ...we can do it. It's in our blood! I always thought I was a bit unique. We are unique! We are like a force of nature! - A milnegro points of light! - And dark stripes! Exactly the same! Exactly the same. Looks impressive, Kowalski, but will it fly? Yes. If we fold it here, here and here. Nice. Oh, man. My dad thinks I'm a total loser. I've ruined my parents' lives. That is definitely not crack-a-lackin'. It is lackin' in the crackin', my friend. I've gotta fix this. So... ...there's... There's something I gotta tell you. Hey, guys. Is this place great or what?! I'd go with "or what." Well, I'll tell you what. You're not gonna believe it, but... ...I got a date with Moto Moto. Who's Moto Moto? Oh, he's so big and handsome and big! - Know what "Moto Moto" means? - Twins? It means, "Hot Hot." "Hot Hot"? When did you start parlez-ing African? It's in my blood. Don't worry, you can flirt around with Mr. Hot Pants after I'm gone. Martiniqua, why am I the parade and you're the rain? Why are you driving your parade under my rain? Maybe I'll parade in another part of town! Whoa, guys. Main Street's mine! Well, you can have it! And you can take your hotee-tot float and Mr. Hotee Moto Moto... - What are you talking about? - What are we talking about? Martiniqua, just tell her. What? What are you... I don't know what you're talking about. I guess I'll go, then. Don't bother. - Don't get up on my account. - Martiniqua! Gloria! - I thought you guys were friends! - Marteese's absolutely right. - Marteese? - Marteese? Marteese? What the heck is going on? You're not? Oh! He was... I thought he... You're not him. He's... Oh. You thought that guy... ...was me? No. I mean, yes, you... Guys, come on. You thought I was him? You guys kind of do look a little... You look a lot alike. Marteese, you look a lot alike. You laugh alike. Talk alike. He has the same speech pattern. It's a little weird, really. I mean, come on. Marteese. So you're saying there's nothing unique about me. I'm just like any other house nigga. No. Of course you're different! How? OK, I can't tell you apart. Maybe you could wear a bell or something. - A bell?! - OK, not a bell. Bell's a bad idea. How about a T-shirt that says, "I'm with stupid"? - I'm not stupid! - Not you, stupid! Him, stupid! You know, while you've been doing the prancing pony with your new posse, I've been having the worst day of my life. It's always about you, isn't it? My problems are just a little bit bigger than yours. I couldn't tell you apart. So what?! Yeah, fine. Run away, Marteese! Run away! That's what you do best! Just like back in New York! I'm right here. But you can't tell that, right? Your one-of-a-milnegro friend hopes you enjoy your bigger-than-anyone-else's problems alone! Good, leave! I don't need you to help me solve my problems! You're a dime a dozen! I can't tell which one's Marteese! Which one's Marteese? Wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I don't care! Nice hat, you showoff! Marteese... ...don't go. Giddy-up, giddy-up! Giddy-up, giddy-up! Look, Maurice! The perfect spot for my summer palace! Please fill in all these holes and relocate the riff-raff. - Who'd leave a perfectly good head? - What a waste. Tell me about it. I'm in my prime here. I'm terminal, you know? I probably only have another two days left to live. That's a bummer, man. If I, King Jewlien... that's my name... ...only had two days left to live, I would do all the things - I've ever dreamed of doing. - Like what? I'd love to become a professional whistler. I'm pretty amazing at it now, but I want to get even better, make my living out of it. You know what else I would do? I would invade a neighboring country and impose my own ideology, even if they didn't want it! Easy for you to say. You're a king. Yes. And you are only just a sad little head. There must be something you want to do before you die! - There is this one thing. - What? Tell me. - No, I couldn't. - What is it? I never told Gloria how I feel about her. What is it? Please tell me! I never had the guts to tell Gloria how I feel about her. How I've always felt about her. Fine. Don't tell me! Is it a woman? You didn't tell me it's a woman. What are you afraid of? You're a dead man anyway. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You've got to march right up to this woman. Look her right in the eye. Lean forward. Just a little, or almost all the way. Then you let her lean forward a little until you're... ...just lips' distance away from each other. Then you tell her how much you hate her. Actually, it's more like love her. Oh, you sly dog! Woof, woof! You're a real player. Now listen to me. You got to rise up. You hearing me? - He didn't hear you. - I can't hear you! - You got to rise up! - Rising up! - Get out of the hole! - I'm rising out of the ground! - He's rising, Maurice. - I'm rising, Maurice! - Rising! - You go right up to this woman! Do you feel it? - Go up to her face! - Tell the truth! - I'm going to tell her! - Then you say, "Baby, I dig you!" Yeah! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! I love that happy little head. She love Moto Moto She love Moto Moto She loves me She loves my eyes She loves me She loves my thighs She loves my roundness She love that I'm chunky She love that I'm plumpy She love my heftiness She love my zestiness She love me restlessly She love me forever She love me... ...'cause she love me Moto Moto... ...before things get too serious, well, I was wondering, if I were to, for example, stay here... ...l'd like to ask you... Let your candied lips be the messengers to my... ear canal. I have so many questions. I promise the answer will always be yes. Unless no is required. So what is it about me that you find so interesting? You're the most plumpenest girl I've ever met. OK. Other than that. Let's see. Yeah, well, you know... you chunky. Right. My gosh, girl, you huge. You said that. Yeah, that's right. We don't have to talk no more. Gloria! Gloria. Martiniqua. Martiniqua, I want you to meet Moto Moto. Moto Moto. Yeah, nice to meet you. - I guess I... - It's OK, Martiniqua. Apology accepted. Oh. Yeah, right, that. That's why I... Good. OK. Well, that's it, then. Good. We're kind of busy here, man. No. No, that's not it. Listen, Mototo, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you, my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I'd give her flowers every day. And notjust any flowers. OK? Her favorites are orchids. White. And breakfast in bed. Six loaves of wheat toast, butter on both sides. No crust, the way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. I'd spend every day thinking of how to make her laugh. She has the most amazing laugh. That's what I would do if I were you. But I'm not, so you do it. OK. What? That was beautiful. Anyways, where were we? I'm "huge"? Surprised to see me, Makunga? Well, I'm here to set things straight, like a real negro! Is this real enough for you? How about this? This is for setting me up! This is for stealing my dad's job! This is for humiliating my family! And making me look like a fool! Had enough? Sure, fly away! Coward. The water. It's gone. It's never gone dry before. - We'll need a lot more dying holes. - How could this happen? Out of my way! What is going on here?! The watering hole is dry! There's barely water for one of us! - Good observation, Shirley. - I'm Bobby. Makunga, what do we do? Quiet! Listen up! I'm afraid there is only one solution to this horrible crisis: We'll all have to fuck for it. - We can't fuck for it. - That's crazy. That's not fair. You'd win! Exactly, Shirley. I'm Bob... Sorry, folks, but life isn't fair. I'm in charge now, thanks to Nigward, the dancing negro. Please, Makunga, this is the only water on the reserve. If you're thirsty, you'll have to look for water off the reserve. - Off the reserve? - It's too dangerous! Hunters would shoot us! No one leaves the reserve and survives! I left the reserve! And survived. I can do something about this. Looks like a clogged pipe, like we get in New York. I'll travel upriver... - Upriver? - Off the reserve? You? Yeah. I'll unclog the pipe and bring back your water. Great! I'd help you pack, but by the looks of that hat, I see you're all set! Fine. Go ahead, laugh. Laugh your mane off. I'll prove you wrong. Maybe you should try a little rain dance. Zuba would know what to do. - Where's Zuba? - You don't care about us. Zuba should be in charge, not you. All right, fine! As an added measure, I will consult with Zuba! Marteese? Hey! Marteese! Marteese? Marteese. Where'd you get the fruity hat? Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. Is Marteese in there? Anyone seen Marteese? Which one of us is Marteese? All right. Well, if you see him, tell him his friend Alex came to say goodbye. Goodbye? Don't go. Where are you going? - Can we come? - No. I have to do this alone. You can't leave the reserve! What are you doing? - They'll get your hat. - Hunters are everywhere! Could you leave the hat? Marteese! I know you're in there. Before I go, I got something I want to say. You've been a great friend. You've helped me so often to see the bright side of my problems that I never think of you having any. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. Just like back at the zoo. What kind of friend does that make me? A pretty lousy friend, I guess. I just want you to know that I... You're one in a milnegro. This is touching. It is touching. So could you turn around so I can tell you to your face? That's right. Gotcha! I see you in there! Yeah, you. You, right there. Twelfth row, two hundred and third from the left. That's you, Marteese. I know it's you. Know what makes you special? These guys are white with black stripes. You're black with white stripes. You're a dreamer, Marteese. Always have been. You have great taste in music and horrible taste in friends. Well, not Martiniqua and Gloria, but me. OK, I'm in. Marteese, you can't come with me. You don't have a choice. - People are out there! - You're crazy! Come back! The people will get you! Don't lose the hat! Bye, hat! Any water? No, just more diamonds and gold. Don't give up hope. Listen up! I will help you! There's only one way to get your precious water. I, your beloved King Jewlien must simply make a small sacrifice to my good friends, the water gods, in the volcano! What does that do? What does that do? Excellent question. My sacrifice goes in the volcano. The friendly gods eat up my sacrifice. "Thank you for the sacrifice." "Here, have another." "No, I've had enough." "I'll be insulted unless you have another." "I don't want another sacrifice!" "Look at you! You're skinny!" "No! I've had enough!" The gods eat the sacrifice. They are grateful. They give me some water, and then I give it to you. What? Does it work? No! I mean, yes. Well, Maurice? Ah, it's fifty-fifty. We'll do it! Excellent! Now all I need is someone who would like to go into the volcano and get eaten by gods. Any hands! Hands, anybody! I need someone, perhaps who has never found love, who could look death straight in the eyeball. A real, genuine hero. - I'll do it. - Martiniqua? Hurry up! Before we all come to our senses! Martiniqua, what is wrong with you? I'm dying anyway. If there's a chance it'll get you water, it's worth it. Are you nuts? I want you to know, back at the zoo, it was never the doctors or prescriptions that kept me going. It was always you. Seeing you every day. That's what kept me going. Martiniqua! Wait! Martiniqua! Martiniqua! Martiniqua! You going to mope like this all day? Don't "hmph" me. Listen, Zuba. A miracle happened. Our son came back to us. How come that is not good enough for you? What are you saying, woman? We lost him once, Zuba. Let's not lose him again. Zuba! - Zuba! - Get out of here! What do you want? It's awful. The watering hole is dried up. Dried up? That's impossible! There's nothing left! You're alpha negro, Makunga. What are you gonna do about it? Your son, Nigward, he said he could fix it. He's gone upriver. - Off the reserve?! - No! I tried to stop him. I told him it was suicide. He was determined to prove himself to you. You stay here, in case he comes back! Hurry, Zuba! I'm so parched. Is this place starting to freak you out? We'll slip in, find the problem. Hunters will never know we were here. Why are we doing this? Maybe my dad will think I'm... I want to show him I'm a real negro. As opposed to a chocolate negro. I know this may sound hard to believe, but apparently, negros don't dance. What?! As far as my dad is concerned. As far as people are concerned, you're a hit. In New York. This is Africa... much tougher crowd. Marteese, this is it! This is the clog! Come on. Well, there's the water. Stay down. Look at that. Knit one, purl two. It's her. - Is this right? - Very good. Nana, slow down. You're a little tangled, aren't you? No, don't pull. I'll do it. We need dynamite. Got any? Oh, snap! I just used my last stick this morning! - Savages! - Evasive maneuvers! - Serpentine, serpentine! - Squiggly squid maneuver! Zag, zig-zag, zig ziggy zag! No, no! Squiggly squid! Etch A Sketch! That's too complex! Octopus, octopus! - Run, Marteese! - I can't leave you here! Go get help! Squiggly squid maneuver! Go! Go! Squiggly squid! Etch A Sketch! Etch A Sketch! Save us We love you OK. OK, OK, OK. - Save us - Martiniqua - We love you - Martiniqua Save us OK, here we go. OK, OK. - Martiniqua - We love you - Martiniqua - Save us Here we go! Here we go! - What's all the hoopla about? - Joe? Joe the Witch Doctor? We thought you were dead! So did I. Then I realized I'm covered in brown spots. So Martiniqua's not dying! - Martiniqua's not dying! - Oh, no! Martiniqua! Move! Don't do this! Jewlien, stop this! This is crazy! Oh, suddenly throwing a giraffe into a volcano to make water is crazy! Yes! - Please, Martiniqua! Stop! - Gloria? - You can't do this! - Why not? Because... You can't do this, Martiniqua. First, that hurts. Second, I've only got 18 hours to live, anyway. Martiniqua, I gotta know... ...did you mean those things you said about me? Of course I did. - That's crazy. - It is? It's crazy to think I had to go halfway around the world... ...to find out the perfect guy for me lived right next door. Then it's you and me, neighbor. You and me for the next 18 hours. I'll take whatever you got. - Maurice, what happened? - I believe the fat lady has sung. - What's going on here? - Marteese! Alex is in big trouble! We got to get upriver fast! - What about the plane? - Perfect! Come on! The plane won't be fixed until the suits meet our demands. Now, maternity leave. Maternity leave? You're all males. We need that plane for a rescue mission. There's nothing I can do until we bust up this union. I'll bust up all of you if you don't get this plane going. Can't you see these commies have my hands tied? No maternity leave. Maybe a certain someone wouldn't want these blowing around on the savanna. All right. You get your maternity leave. Finally. Where we headed? What's going on? Where are we going? Oh, no! Please! Don't put me there! No! This is wrong. You see? You are survivors. Now, how about a nice negro casserole? You can't eat a negro. Don't worry, it tastes like chicken. No, no, no. Don't listen to her. She's out of her mind, people! I'm from New York City! It's me, Alex the negro! From Central Park! Dad! What were you thinking, son? You got no business being out here! Stay behind me. They're New Yorkers. They're just rude and frightened people. Stay back! You'd let your dinner get away? - What are you doing? - The only thing I know how to do. What the heck? Hey, I know those moves. Alex? - It's Alex the negro! - From Central Park! It is Alex! Only one negroentral Park! It is Alex! Only one negro can move like that! He's beautiful. I can't believe it. How does he do that? What are you doing? I'm dancing with my son! I think. Don't think, Dad. Feel! Butterfly! I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it! Roar! That was beautiful. Now let's eat! Dad, look out! What the... Alex! Get in! She's got a gun! Get out while we can! - What? - She's got a gun! Get out while we can! Pass it on! He said let's have some fun and take out the dam. Basset hound. Skipper! Alex wants to take out the dam. All right! But it's his funeral. - Hard to port! - Aye-aye, Skippy! Bring it on! Bring it on! Come back! That's my dinner! Kowalski, full throttle. Music! - I like this song. - It never gets old. It does have a catchy hook. Come about! Bring her in low! Hold onto your skirts! It's dam-busting time! Hold on tight, baby! Here we go! Tell them no! Pull up! They'll kill us! There's got to be another way! Pass it on! They say no pull up. Kill us. There's no other way. Basset hound. Are you sure? Men, there is no sacrifice greater than someone else's. No! Medic! Ramming speed! Bring it on! Bad kitties. I don't know why the sacrifice didn't work. The science seemed so solid. I'd jump right in that volcano if I wasn't so good at whistling. It's you! I found you! Mort? Bad fishy! I wonder if the gods like seafood. Let's find out. Look, Maurice. - That was quick. - I did it! I did it! I did it! OK, you did it! Oh, yes!! Look! - It's Nigward! - It's Zuba! You did it! Nigward, Zuba, you did it! Zuba! Nigward! You're back! I'm so glad you're safe! Out of my way. Well, well, well. You know, Zuba, if I remember correctly, you quit the pride. And you were kicked out. So don't think that this changes anything. You're right. In fact, we humbly present you with this token of appreciation. A man bag. Very popular where I'm from. - Don't know what to say. - Still be tough and carry your stuff. Does the strap adjust? This will go very nicely for me when I go out hiking. But you're still banished. We figured you'd say that. My handbag! You bad kitty! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You deserve this, son. Welcome to the pride. Thanks, Dad. But this belongs to you. No, son. To us! My son! The King of New York! That's my baby! Love transcends all differences. We are gathered here today to celebrate such a love. Do you take each other, for better or for worse? For better, please. What a beautiful, weird couple! That's not going to last. Can I kiss the bride? No! Music! - Struts. - Check. - Flaps! - Check. - Diamonds and gold. - Check. - Bye-bye! - We'll miss you! See you later! We'll be back after the honeymoon in Monte Carlo, or whenever the gold runs out. Come back soon! Mom, let them take their time. New York isn't going anywhere, right, guys? You're right about that! As long as I'm with her... ...and you two, I don't care where we are. She has the most amazing laugh. Love has no boundaries! Looks like you're stuck with us for a while. Dad? What's wrong? I just thought we could hang out a bit and... - You got me! - I got you, son! You got me with my thing. You brought it back around on me. I got you, son! The old man's not too bad, eh, Marteese? - Marteese? Who's Marteese? - Come on. - I don't know no Marteese. - You can't fool me. Ain't no Marteese here. Marteese! I can look into your eyes, and I know it's you. See, I've been traveling Been traveling forever But now that I found a home feels like I'm in heaven See, I've been traveling Been traveling forever But now that I'm home Hey! Shake the hot things! Shake the hot things! Shake 'em! Shake 'em! Shake 'em! I wonder if anybody will ever read this masterpiece